Into the Trap
When children, even “adult” children, struggle, parents struggle. “Was it something I did or did not do?” “Was it something I could have prevented?” “What should I do about it now?” “How can I fix it?” These and many other questions roam through the minds and hearts of parents. They often lead parents into trying to “fix” their adult children and/or control their unhealthy behaviors. Guilt and fear seem to drive their parental efforts. This is the codependent trap parents often fall into. An almost involuntary response, especially for parents of millennials, goes something like, “I would love to treat him/her as an adult, but when is he/she going to start acting like an adult?” It seems cultural trends have delayed maturation for an entire generation in our society. Combining this with the fact that substance use or other maladaptive behaviors started in childhood or adolescence, usually delays a person’s emotional maturation as well, thus creating enormous problems for millennials (and their families) today. The Great Recession of the last decade, and the delayed economic independence it has caused for millennials— through no fault of their own—only exacerbates an already difficult situation. Though these problems are by no means unique to today’s generation, they have certainly become accentuated for this generation.
Out of the Trap
One of the more helpful questions parents can ask is, “How does my responsibility change regarding my child once he/she becomes an adult?“ Loving parents want to help their children, and yet, too much help can cripple the development children need to survive as independent adults. If parents beat themselves up for past mistakes, it pushes them back into the codependent trap. When children struggle with substance use or other mental health issues, it is good for parents to embrace the “3 Cs” of Al-Anon: I did not Cause the problem; I cannot Control the problem; I cannot Cure the problem. At the same time, parents can take an honest look at whatever their Contribution may have been to a problem and how they can change and improve moving forward.
Once children reach adulthood, whether they act like an adult or not, parents become “responsible to” them, not “responsible for” them. Parents are responsible “to” their adult child to be loving, supportive, understanding, and healthy themselves. Parents are NOT responsible “for” their adult child’s feelings, thoughts, behaviors, outcomes, consequences, or welfare. Getting past initial objections to that statement and allowing the truth of it to sink deep into the psyche, is the beginning of freedom. Parents can support to the best of their ability, emotionally and financially, anything that leads to their adult child’s health, recovery, and independence. At the same time, parents can give themselves permission to set boundaries and not support anything that does not result in health, recovery, and independence for the adult child. A good family therapist can assist in this process. Free peer-led support groups like Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) and Families Anonymous (FA) can also be very helpful as parents learn to break free from unhealthy, codependent behaviors.
About the Writer
Michael Simpson, MSC, BCC, LAC, has a Bachelor of Arts from Mid-America Christian University in Oklahoma City, OK, with a double major in Pastoral Care and Theology. He also holds a Master of Science in Counseling, with a Community Counseling specialization, from the University of Phoenix in Tucson, AZ. He is a Licensed Associate Counselor in the state of Arizona. Simpson completed training at the College of Executive Coaching and passed the national exam to obtain the credential of Board Certified Coach from the Center for Credentialing & Education (CCE). He is trained and certified to provide court-ordered DUI treatment and education and domestic violence treatment to persons in the state of Arizona. Simpson was a clinical associate member of the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers (ATSA). Currently, he is a family therapist with the Family Program at Sierra Tucson in Tucson. He now focuses on family and couples therapy, and occasionally serves as an expert witness in child protective services cases in Family Court, particularly in cases where substance abuse, domestic violence, and/or sexual abuse are material issues.
